The “M” Word
Okay so this is going to get REAL personal. Dirty laundry never gets cleaned by staying in the bin, so I’m taking this opportunity to wash mine clean in the light.
The M word is masturbation. Yes, we are talking about it, and no, we are not romanticizing it. Today I’m telling you the truth about my former addiction to masturbation. I hope that through the story of my journey becoming free from masturbation addiction you feel encouraged to live free as well and to be bold in shedding light on your own struggles as well. For anyone who is currently struggling with masturbation addiction, I pray that you are able to start receiving God’s love for you, that you will understand why he calls us higher to purity, and that God reveals to you the root of your addiction. Hopefully it will help you pull up those roots and plant new seeds on better ground.
My Story with Masturbation
When I was young — about 9 or 10yrs old, my doctor gave me a pamphlet about the changes I was about to start experiencing in my body. It explained how the female body develops as we mature and how our sexual organs start to mature. Now, I was a pretty smart kid. I loved school and loved reading, so this pamphlet sparked some curiosity in me at that young age, to know more. I never really thought to ask my mom about those topics because in my family that was just not something people were open about. Sexuality was mysterious and it seemed to me like it was looked down on, particularly, by the women in my family (they seemed to always have a negative comment when a woman showed her body on t.v. — or in public even — if she was seen to be overtly attractive to the male gaze). As my curiosity began to rise, I started finding answers on my own. I was always at the library, so I started checking out books about puberty. I came across this one book called 100% Me by Elinor Greenwood. I’ll never forget reading that book and coming across the word “masturbation”. It explained it in a rather positive light and talked about how it was normal to do. That was my first time really encountering the word and having knowledge of it, but I still could not fully grasp the reality of it at that time.
After reading about masturbation that first time, I didn’t really have a desire to experience it. For me, I was just satisfied with having the knowledge of it. Once I entered my first real relationship in the 7th grade, I had my first kiss with a boy. I was NOT ready. I thought I was. I thought that’s just what you do in relationships when you really love that person, so I continued to do it. Eventually, I started experiencing the emotional side of all those changes the book described (it was more like a feeling of butterflies in my stomach & excitement at the idea of sex), but at that time I knew I wasn’t ready to full on experience sex (plus I was always told that sex was for marriage, and I truly wanted to wait for marriage). Then, in high school, everything changed. Boys were getting more man-ish, and I was so desperate to be loved that I felt like I had to compromise my beliefs in order to prove that I was worthy of love. So I did. I was in a pretty serious (toxic) relationship with a guy for most of high school. He showered me with compliments to get me. I never had anyone praise me like that before (especially not a male figure), and I mistook that attention for love. From the very beginning he suggested that we do sexual acts together. He knew I was a virgin, so he took things “slow”. However, his version of slow meant grooming me to be “ready” for the real thing.
It started with him kissing me and touching my body and telling me all these things he wanted to do with me or to me. Then he started doing it more often, almost every time we’d see each other. And as if it wasn’t enough that we did things when were together, he started asking me for pictures and videos. I sent them. That was the first time I can remember actually pleasuring myself; it was because he asked me to — begged me to, really. I was so desperate to please him because I didn’t want to lose him. The pressure to be what he wanted me to be for him was too strong, so I caved most of the time, compromising everything that I wanted for myself. We weren’t having sex, but we were doing everything else we could. I know. What I was doing sounds so shameful — is shameful, but it’s the truth. I have to say the truth, to start walking in freedom. Anyway, even though that first video was the first time I remember masturbating and feeling everything that comes with that, the truth is, the stronghold on my life had already been formed. The addiction was already supported by the lust that was spiritually connecting us. We had formed a bond that was sinful and deadly. Perverted and selfish. At some point we were both just using each others’ bodies to gratify our own flesh, not to honor each other or honor God in the way that sex was originally intended to.
Eventually, that relationship ended just as abruptly as it had started. It had been over two years of being groped all the time, being pressured into giving him my body, having to explain why I wanted to wait, backsliding after explaining, constant arguments, and heartache. I was spent. That relationship left my heart empty, broken, and swept clean. My body was just the shell of the girl I used to be, and at that point my body had been stimulated and manipulated so many times that I actually craved orgasm all the time. I was constantly thinking about experiencing another sexual release. Whenever I could, I would masturbate to feed that craving. I sometimes felt convicted about what I was doing, but it got to a point where I wouldn’t feel bad as much because I thought if I wasn’t having sex with another person, then God would not be upset with me. I told myself the lie that self pleasure is good for you. The TRUTH is that masturbation and sexual sin are sins against your own body. It feeds the flesh and weakens your self control. Lastly, it causes you to worship yourself and your own desires rather than God and what he would desire for us.
All through college my struggle with lust and masturbation continued. I would see one guy and want him. I’d see another guy and want him too! My dreams were contaminated with lustful thoughts towards friends, acquaintances, and even strangers. I would jump into random relationships lasting 5 days at best, with the hope that maybe this guy could potentially be my husband. “Then this craving for sex could be forever fulfilled once and for all,” I thought. I worshiped me and the desires of my flesh (all while claiming to be so Christian that my standards were unreachable). I was a hypocrite! Then, after leaving college without a 4-year degree in hand or a man to show for it, I felt lonely and defeated. These feelings egged on my dependence on masturbation. It was a source of feeling like I was in control, yet after I would finish, every time I felt so dirty, so ashamed (knowing God saw what I just did), and ten times more lonely than before. I would be so upset, asking myself, “How did I get here?” I would cry myself to sleep many nights. As I kept pursing my relationship with God and starting to take it more seriously, I realized the root of my issue (low self worth & fear of abandonment—a result of childhood trauma. I was also bad at accepting God’s love because I never had an example of what true sacrificial love looked like.), and I was desperate to be free. I was desperate to be clean. I needed to understand myself as whole, because of Jesus Christ.
On Easter Sunday, 2023, God freed me from masturbation. I asked him for forgiveness, like I had many times before. This time was different though, because I knew I had to confess. I knew I had a problem, but it was never something I shared with a single soul. It was my skeleton. I never wanted anyone to think I was dirty or weird. I was afraid of someone who once knew me finding out and mocking me. But today, I am sharing my story for not only my own sake, but for freedom for anyone who’s Goliath is sexual sin. Back to Easter Sunday. That day, at the alter call, I finally told someone I struggled with masturbation, and I wanted to be free from that. So many people have prayed for me at that altar that I can’t remember whether it was a man or woman I told (I think it was a woman), but I do remember feeling so loved and that they didn’t judge me at all (much like God doesn’t look down on us when we come to him with humility). They prayed for me that I would “submit my sexuality to God”, and that stuck with me from that moment on. Awhile later, I began to fall to masturbation again, but I would not give up and stop pursing God. Every time I fell after that day, I would repent immediately and ask for forgiveness. Sometimes I would be so upset that I messed up that I would start to doubt my freedom, but that was just the enemy trying to get to my head. Galatians 5 was my go to during this time. Even when I was about to sin, somehow, God would lead me to Galatians ch.5. Even after falling those times, I would get back up, and continue to keep following God, reading his word and studying it, studying the human mind and body, — it was the process and combination of these things that allowed me to finally walk into the freedom that we are promised through Christ.
Today, 6 months later, I am free. I know who I am. I am whole. I am still tempted sometimes, but I understand that I am not a slave to sin nor to my flesh. I constantly renew my mind with the word of God so that I may grow in discipline, understanding, and wisdom. The most important thing I’ve learned from receiving freedom from lust and masturbation, is that I must keep my eyes on Jesus. Jesus saves, he forgives, he loves, and he frees us from dark strongholds and bondage. My life is not perfect or ideal because I am free, but it is SO much better than it was when I tried to do things on my own terms. I can walk now with confidence knowing that I am enough because he says I am his. I don’t have to run to fleeting sexual experiences just to feel something—in hopes of a euphoric love. Now that I have given up pleasing my flesh and searching for love and security in all the wrong places, I have peace in my life. I’m not the perfect human, but I am being perfected in my heart and spirit by the love of God. If I leave you with nothing else, I will leave you with this. Jesus’ way is better and it is the ONLY way worth living!
Much love,
K.V.B.
