Lessons Learned From Five Years of Adulting
Adulting can be … dramatic, to say the least. There are so many things that you have to think about and take care of after you cross the line that sits on the edge of your teen years and the cusp of the rest of your life. For example, there’s bills, love and relationships (although if you’re like me, you entered that realm younger than some), spirituality, finding a valid career path, making and keeping friends, and I’m sure there’s more. Sometimes it can be a little overwhelming to process all that. However, as you keep living, wisdom comes and lends herself to you by way of experience. Here are some lessons she has taught me in the short time that I’ve been considering myself an adult.
Bills & Money
Save your Money!
I know I’m not the only one who feels like they have a hole burning in their pockets (as my dad would say) the moment money enters the chat! If your not from the south, that’s another way of saying you want to spend it as soon as you get it. Having money makes you feel great — powerful even. It does give you purchasing power and the ability to have more options in life. However, money can be not only a tool but also a liability if you don’t steward it well. I have learned that one of the best things you can do is SAVE YOUR MONEY. I personally don’t have a ton of money stashed away (because I’m still young & financially challenged out here), but having some type of savings account / emergency fund is 100% necessary. You don’t have to start with much, but just start with something. Even $5, $10, or $20 a week is a great start. If you feel frustrated at not having much to save, just remind yourself that something is always better than nothing. Your savings will build as you continue to contribute, and eventually, you’ll look up and have a healthy rainy day fund. You will thank yourself later!
Plan for the Future.
Once you have your rainy day fund (or even in the process of obtaining it), it’s important to have a plan for your money. You have to be in the conductor’s seat. Tell the train where to go. Without a spending and saving plan, it can be easy to lose track of your finances. You’ll be making all this money and then one day just look up and wonder where it all went. This is what we DON’T want to happen. Instead of being contingent, be proactive by setting up a simple budget for yourself, and financial goals for the future.
Be Responsible.
This should go without saying. But some of us (very much including me) need to hear this. Be responsible with your money! Don’t spend all willy-nilly, or overspend to impress someone, or buy that one shirt in every color just because there’s a buy one get one sale (it’s a tactic to pull you in deeper). Make sure you keep your impulses in check and your brain in the driver’s seat when making financial decisions.
Have Good Credit!
Credit is how you play the game to win. Many people have a different opinion — cash is king. That would be a solid argument if the U.S. valued what a person makes in income more than what their FICO score is, but it doesn’t. Many things we desire to have in life are heavily dependent on having a good credit score: a house, an apartment, a car, a cell phone (the list goes on). A person’s credit score allows an entity to decide whether or not to loan them money. It shows if you can be reliable, pay bills on time, and ultimately if you can be trusted. Now, I am not a certified expert in finances, so of course always do your own further research. But, I know from personal experience that credit can make or break a person’s life experiences so make sure to start building good credit ASAP.
Careers
Use Your Gifts and Talents!
God gives us all unique gifts and talents based on his plan for our life. They are not put in us in vain. The Bible tells us that God knew us before he formed us in our own mother’s womb (Jeremiah 1:5) so we were intentionally created with natural affinities to different things. That’s where your sparkle is. If you don’t know where to start, start with using your natural gifts and talents daily in some capacity. It will help you further develop skills that could help you in your career journey, and it also just helps boost your confidence. By showing up everyday you will gain discipline and a sense of confidence in your ability to perform. Long term, these are two amazing attributes that are necessary for a thriving career.
It’s Okay Not To Base Your Career on Passion.
I know, I know, I know! I just said lean into your natural gifts and talents to help you in your career journey. However, I do think it’s worthwhile to point out the small nuance that your career may not always be a result of your passions, and that is okay! Some of us will be 9-5ers. It’s just inevitable. A more traditional path is not necessarily a bad thing. There can be many benefits to this type of path including: financial stability, opportunity for advancement with a company, stable benefits, co-workers / work family, structured days, routine, and the list goes on. I personally air on the side of preferring a more traditional work structure because I’m naturally a creative person. While creatives have so much to offer, often times we are not the best at working efficiently or making deadlines without pressure, or even just making sure systems are in place to keep us on track. I know that I need something to be at least a little routine in my life so that my days can have direction. While I’m still working a basic job and figuring things out, I don’t neglect my passions and talents, but I continue to use them daily outside of work. This helps me enjoy the process and keep balance in my life.
Seek God & Serve Others.
This one should really be the true place to start in your career journey. Recently, I have learned that when you keep your eye on the prize (Jesus our Lord and Savior), everything else is not as big of a deal as it may seem. I can remember times when I would be in my dorm room in college stressed out, depressed, and crying about what I was going to do with my life. While it’s normal to have some doubts and questions about the future, it is not okay to stay in a state of self pity and distress. Looking back now, the main reason why nothing was adding up is because my focus was all wrong. I wasn’t focused on the Father and his people. I was focused on me. I was selfish, fearful, and prideful. As I’ve matured I realized that once I got my focus on HIM, God pulled me out of that dark place I was in and he’s been leading my next steps ever since. The desire to serve came later. He just started to shift my heart the closer I got to him, and now I actually desire to serve others. I’m no saint — yet, but my heart is slowly softening toward people. When you put others first, not only are you blessing them, but your life will be blessed as well. Take these things into consideration when seeking a career path, and you will never regret it.
Spiritual Health
Pray!
A lot of times my advice is also me preaching to myself. This piece of advice is definitely reflective of that. I have learned in my short time of adulting that prayer is key! Prayer helps keep you grounded and sane. It can be your anchor when you don’t know where to go next in life. That’s been especially true for myself. When I feel myself starting to get anxious about things or just wondering what I should do about a situation, it always helps when I pray. It helps because in that moment I’m just able to surrender everything I’m feeling to God and rest in the promise that he has a divine plan for my life, that he loves me, and that he is working everything out on the back end.
There are many ways to pray as well. Some people pray out loud, but my personal favorite prayer style is prayer journaling. I love writing letters to God and expressing myself through written words. This form of prayer helps clear my heart and mind of any clutter that may be trying to bring me down or distract me. Another form of prayer may be speaking in tongues or even being silent. Though I don’t currently speak in tongues, I have experienced praying in silence, with tears even. There is nothing like just knowing God understands the cries and burdens of your heart without you having to physically say a word. Finally prayer doesn’t always have to be a request or a somberness, but it can be a moment of gratitude and rejoicing. The most important thing we can do is give God glory for who he is, and have a humble heart.
Read Your Bible!
This should go without saying. READ YOUR BIBLE! As a christian it can be really easy to get caught up in the different ways we can be involved in the kingdom like volunteering, going to church on appointed days, watching christian content online, and etc. However, more important than all these works, is actually reading the Bible for ourselves. We cannot truly get to know the character of God without reading the Word of God. For this reason, reading out of pursuit not just reading as a check on the list, is a must!
Community Is Key!
This is a more recent lesson I’m learning. When it comes to people, I’m really not the social type. I love to stay in my own bubble, in my room, alone, at peace. However, we were not created to be alone. God literally created us (even the animals) to be in community and fellowship with each other. We were created for togetherness. We are all interdependent of one another by design. This has been a hard revelation for me to accept, but I’m learning that the more I lean into this truth, the more I am able to experience healing and wisdom as a result of building relationships with other people. It is HARD, but it is a beautiful thing that I look forward to accepting more and more.
Mental Health
Self Awareness
Coming into adulthood typically comes with so many new things, but it can also be a time where you start to recognize old things. Our mental health is stretched and challenged in many ways as we come to terms with the world in early adulthood. For myself personally, I have struggled with my mental health from a very young age, but I was never highly aware of what I was facing until recently. I’ve started to realize that self awareness helps you organize all those things locked up in the emotional / mental closet. You should always be checking in on yourself and assessing how you are truly doing. Being honest with yourself about how you’re feeling can save you from so much heartache and stress because once you are aware of how you feel, you can start taking steps toward fixing things (if they are negative feelings) or planning how to recreate these feelings (if they are positive).
Therapy
Many Christians seem to be anti therapy, but I believe therapy is probably one of the best things a person can do for themselves. Growing up, I did try seeing a therapist for a short period of time. At the time, my mother was very against therapy and honestly very against psychology in general. I don’t blame her now; I know it was mainly rooted in how she was raised as a child. However, that did have a negative effect on me because I could not understand why she wasn’t on board. In her eyes, everything could be fixed with prayer. While I will never discount the power of prayer and the power of the Holy Spirit, I do believe that not all miracles happen in some mysterious or metaphysical way. I believe that we were all created for a reason, and some people become therapists and are used by God to help heal others in that way, through psychology and practical ways to deal with things that happen in life in tandem with being a believer. Currently, I am in pursuit of seeking therapy. I don’t have an actual therapist, but I’ve made it a priority to find therapy in other ways: human communication, reading books, watching sermons, doing hobbies I love, worshiping, and being still mentally. Though I am not there yet, I do plan on seeking the help of a licensed therapist as well because I am learning that we all need a little help.
Community
Speaking of needing help, we can receive so much help by being around others and having a healthy community. I think it’s so important to remember that as members of the body of Christ, we are responsible for creating that sense of community for each other. We cannot call ourselves believers yet want to live a life of solitude. Our lives are so much more than just our own. By being in community with one another we can influence the lives of those around us. In fact we are all called to a specific purpose / calling, and our response to that calling has the potential to greatly affect other people’s lives. Look at it this way. Someone else’s breakthrough is dependent on YOU answering the call. We all need each other. Period, point blank.
Romantic Relationships
Fools Rush In!
When it comes to romantic relationships, NEVER rush things or try to force a situation to work. I had to learn this lesson the hard way for sure. When I was a teenager, I was never “single” for more than a couple of months at a time — if that. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was a serial relationship type of girl because of unresolved issues with my dad and other male figures in my life. Once I was in my first real relationship, I never took the foot off the gas. I was a hopeless romantic with no sense of speed. Through my experiences, I learned that by quickly jumping into relationships, I never truly got to know the person I was dating. This resulted in too many broken hearts that easily could’ve been avoided if I had just taken my time and not felt so pressured to find someone (or just anyone) who would “love” me. Take my word for it — don’t rush!
Don’t Lose Hope.
If you’re a single Pringle out there, this one is for you. I too am a single Pringle. I have not been in a real relationship since 2018 so trust me when I say I KNOW what it feel like to think finding your “one” is never going to happen for you. It can be discouraging to look around and see so many happy couples walking around while you’re walking alone, or maybe seeing friends finding their person and getting engaged, married, etc. When you compare where you are to where they are, sometimes it’s just frustrating because you start to wonder if something is wrong with you. Well ladies and gents, I’m here to tell you that nothing is wrong with you just because you are single. It’s just not your season and that is okay. But I do know that if God put the desire in your heart for companionship, he will answer that desire. It may not be in the way that we plan, but it will be perfect in his eyes and in his timing. I say all this to say, don’t lose hope that it can happen for you and don’t feel discouraged. Keep your heart guarded, but also be open to the possibility that love is just around the corner for you!
Standards Honey, Standards.
Standards — a level of quality or attainment (Oxford Languages Definition). Let me explain. Many of us base our standard for what we expect in a romantic relationship on what the rest of the world is doing. Maybe Suzie across the street’s boyfriend brings her flowers every Sunday, so you adopt that as an expectation for your future partner, because you think that’s normal. On the other end of the spectrum, maybe you grew up in a household where your father was king of the hill. Everything he said went so you now expect your partner to have the same type of demeanor. Maybe it’s scrolling through Instagram that influences your expectations. However, if you want to have a healthy relationship that actually works for you, your standards should not be based on what works for others. Instead they should be based on your own core values and beliefs, and you should be able to advocate for yourself what is acceptable and unacceptable to you. When you finally have those standards set in your heart, stick to them and don’t waver on them for anyone. Let me be clear, you can waver on preferences, but standards should be non negotiable. They are not based on looks, likes, or wants, but on morals, character, and needs.
Family & Friendships
Effort Is A Must.
Living in today’s society, it can feel like there are not enough hours in a day to do everything you want to do and see everyone you want to see. As an adult, often personal relationships get pushed to the side for other things like work, romance, or even sleep! However, I’m starting to learn that if you don’t want to wake up one day and feel all alone, it is going to take some effort on your part. Especially when it comes to adult friendships, they come and go like hot cakes and can fall apart just as soon as you whip them up. I’m someone who struggles with abandonment trauma from my childhood, so it takes even more for me than most people to start a friendship — let alone keep it long term. I want to, but when I start to feel like things are good, something sets in and it feels like I’m unsafe because this relationship that I’m starting to cherish, may end soon. I know that it’s irrational to think about every situation like this because this thought pattern comes from a root of reacting to trauma. I say all this to say, as adults we need to apply ourselves if we expect to have healthy, long-lasting friendships and personal relationships with others. It is up to us to take responsibility and put in the needed effort to form relationships and keep them afloat as well.
Be Bold.
Keeping in step with the prior advice, you should be bold in starting new relationships. I know it’s not like when we were younger where you could just make a life-long best friend on the playground by bonding over how dirty you think the boys are. However, you can still find quality people in the world that are more than happy to become a friend. Sometimes, you just have to step out of your comfort zone and take the first step. For example, if you like someone’s style, start a conversation by giving them a compliment. If you start talking to someone and you actually like talking with them, make it a point to tell them. Just be friendly. (Yes, this is a lot coming from me… as I’m super introverted with rbf) When it comes to boldness in familial relationships, if you are someone like me that may have some strained relationships, be bold by taking the first steps to relaxing that strain. That could look like calling this family member more often, texting them to let them know you’re thinking about them, or even (if things are really rocky) just finding the space in your heart to forgive them. It takes courage to do this and to start interacting with people, but you can do it and it will be so worth it when you do.
Chew The Meat & Spit Out The Bones!
When you’re dealing with people, there will always come conflict at some point or another. We’ve all heard it before — opinions are a dime a dozen. Everybody has one. Unfortunately, not all advice or opinions are helpful or viable. This is where it’s important to know your boundaries, know your self, and know how to decipher what information you should take heed to and what you should not. When you have boundaries, it may seem like it would hurt or even end some relationships, but the truth is that boundaries save your good relationships. There will be some relationships that you lose, but if you lose them due to having boundaries, typically they just weren’t meant to be long term.
So there you have it — my mini book on adulting and its millions of little lessons. Of course there’s probably more to expound on, not to mention the more that I still have yet to experience. However, I’ll spare you the brain space for right now. Though adulting is difficult, the lessons are rewarding to say the least. I hope this post was able to teach you something new or even make you feel seen if you’ve already been there and learned all these lessons before.
Much love,
K.V.B.
