Vul-ner-a-bil-i-ty
Vulnerability is not natural. It is literally the willingness — the openness — to the possibility that you may be attacked or harmed. It means exposing yourself, even while having the knowledge that you may be wronged in the end. Vulnerability is repulsive to the flesh. Who would want to open themselves up, to show their deepest most fragile parts, in exchange for stones and opinions? However, the story of the gospel of Jesus is, in essence, vulnerability in its fullest embodiment. Through the life of Jesus, we see how vulnerability is modeled. God himself came in human flesh, in the most vulnerable state (as a baby), to show us the way to an eternal life with him. And not only this, but he also showed how we can lead others to him as well.
Vulnerability & Me
Today I’m writing on this topic for that reason. I was reading and praying in December, just before the new year, and I remember just asking God what he had in store for me in 2024. In other words “God what is your plan for me?” After questioning him and asking for a word, I remember the word “Vulnerability” just settling in my heart. I felt…humbled to say the least. It’s funny because we always hear the prosperity words around the new year. You know, the words that evoke feelings of motivation, passion, or drive. It’s always words like breakthrough, prosperity, stability, freedom, and etc. What did I get? VuLneRaBiLitY! So, not only was I HUMBLED, but also, I was challenged.
As I started to think more about the way I live my life, it became clear that vulnerability is what I need. I know, it may be hard to believe since I’m super honest on the blog, but in reality, I am a very reserved person. I’ve been described as cold, judgmental, and the likes thereof many times in my 24 years of living. However, I no longer am allowing these labels to define me. I noticed that I have lived for the past few years now shying away from sharing my opinions, tip toeing around people’s feelings, and in fear of being perceived incorrectly. I started living this way gradually. I used to be a bold girl — opinionated, strong, outgoing. Recently, I have just found myself wondering where that girl went, and how do I bring her into the reality and maturity of womanhood? The truth is, I was never meant to live this way. I can admit that I did need a lot of refining, and most changes have been for the better. When you are young and have a strong personality with no boundaries, like I was, you learn some things the hard way. That being said, I am grateful that I have learned how to be more respectful, more kind, more patient, and more thoughtful of others. However, as Christians we are not called to be a watered-down version of ourselves but instead to be our fullest self through the freedom and power of Jesus Christ who knew us (and who we would be) before we were even in the womb (Jeremiah 1:5).
When I started changing, it was because I got to a point of being fed up with explosive conversations with others and always feeling like the villain. I managed to become more agreeable, but at the cost of my sparkle. I slowly became more timid, shy, anxious, and generally quiet. It’s like one day a switch just flipped and my fierce was completely shut down. (side note: I have also struggled with depression for many years since a young age, but never to the extent that it had been around the time before dropping out of college which would’ve been near this time.) Every bit of fight I had in me was gone for the most part. But now, I look at myself in the mirror, and I miss the girl who was eccentric, bold, outgoing, funny, talkative, and the list could genuinely go on for quite a run. Anyway, you get the point! I MISS those parts of her — of me, and I have every intention of becoming my fullest self with all of those gorgeous qualities restored.
Encouragement
If there’s one thing that I know now, it’s that the enemy is a deceiver. He will try to make you feel like you are not good enough. If you can relate to my story, I just want you to know that the voices in your head telling you “She’s gone!” or “you will never be bold again” or “they won’t like you if you show that side” are NOT your own voice. That is the voice of the enemy and his stupid little minions! I want to encourage you that God wants you to be all of you. He can handle all of you, and he will use those amazing parts of yourself that you try to hide if you just let him! To whoever is reading this, you will be bold again! You are strong. You are courageous. You are a force to be reckoned with for the kingdom of God! All you have to do is give yourself permission to be who God made you to be. I’m not saying be reckless, never change, or stay stuck. If there are things you can improve on, please do that. However, I am saying, don’t dim your light at the request of the enemy, or anyone for that matter. Embrace you.
Vulnerability. I believe for me this year, this word, means embracing myself and being open about it, even though there is potential that I could get my feelings hurt, or people might reject me, or etc. There’s no more playing small. No more locking up the greatness that God has designed for me and throwing up the key. From now on, I will be unlocking new levels of vulnerability, acceptance, and greatness consistently. I hope that if anyone is on a similar path, that vulnerability will mean this and more for you too. Finally, I pray that my vulnerability provides impact, whether that be for just one or for some.
Much Love,
K.V.B.
