Seven Years Single

From the age of 12 years old to 18 years old, I was a serial dater (or at least as much as a serial dater as one could be with a strict P.K. mom, and a distant father). I found myself first in the arms of an awkward but sweet soul. True to himself. Shy in some ways, but bold in others. However, he wasn’t yet strong enough to have a mind of his own. Next, I fell into the arms of an accuser; one whom I did not know would lead me into the first steps of living a double life. Then, I settled into the arms of the user. The one who would introduce me to all the feelings I never knew I was allowed to feel — however misplaced or unbridled those feelings might have been. As a result of that relationship, a tie that has taken years to sever was born.

Currently I’m single and healing. I don’t regret any of my past experiences though sometimes I do feel shame around who I’ve been and the things I’ve done. However, I don’t regret them because I’ve learned so much that I probably wouldn’t have if I’d never been who I was. The girl I was had to go through those things to become the woman I am and will be, so I’m grateful for the lessons learned (regardless of the method which they were taught).

All this being said, my life is not anywhere close to where that girl thought it would be by now. I thought life was like a fairy tale. I was a hopeless romantic to say the least and naive to what it looks like to be loved. I believed that love was a feeling, and when you fall in love with someone you get married and start a family right? I believed that romantic love was all that mattered. My number one desire since the first time a guy seriously took interest in me was to get married, become a wife and a mom, and live happily ever after. I’ve gotten a real real reality check since then.

After a trail of failed relationships and many painful rejections I see things differently than I used to. I still believe in love, marriage, family, but what those things mean is significantly weightier than before. Love can be felt, but it’s not only a feeling. Love is active. To love someone is to continually decide to serve that person. It’s a decision to accept them for where / who they are. It’s a decision to push them when they are not where they need to be. It’s a decision to comfort them when a push isn’t the answer. Love is making the decision to put pride and ego on the ground to pick up suffering and humility.

I know — who am I to be making statements about love when I haven’t been in a relationship in years? Who am I to be putting down the love stories we’ve been sold on t.v. and movies for all these years? Who am I to throw stones at a rose-colored depiction of love, where nothing hurts and easy equals right?

I am the product of love.

As told in the title, I have been single for almost a full seven years now. The years have been anything but easy. I’ve experienced severe lows, depression that walks with you and whispers reminders of loneliness as often as you breathe. I’ve had many false alarms, times when I got my hopes up just for the balloon to pop before it got a chance to be received. I’ve cried myself to sleep more times than I can remember, but I’ve also basked in the pride that at least my tears were mine, intimately provoked by my own thoughts. No guy would have the satisfaction of making me cry again. I’ve been selfish. I had time to be who I felt like being without the influence or pressure from a partner. But most importantly I have learned to lean.

Reflecting on the lives I’ve lived since becoming single, I realize that if it weren’t for Jesus, I would not be here today. Physically, spiritually, emotionally, or otherwise. The past few years have taught me how to lean on God. Sitting at the feet of the Father is how I’ve learned what love actually is and what life actually means. I have learned that my life is not my own. Through suffering, I’ve learned how to fully rely on God. He’s the only one that is with us 24/7, seeing our struggles and empathizing with us. So, when I had no relationship to run to, I had to run to him. In my desperation to have some sort of peace, it was the only thing left I knew to do. And I know now it’s the best thing I could have ever done.

Being broken before Jesus has given me the opportunity to experience true love.

I’m nowhere near perfect nor fully healed, but now I am surrendered. I struggle with being surrendered no doubt. It’s hard for me to trust God sometimes. However, I trust him regardless of how I feel about it because he’s proven to be faithful to me time and time again. The fruit of accepting God’s love in my life is clear. Depression is not my closest companion anymore, because Jesus calls me friend. I don’t respond to things the way I used to. When I feel frustrated, I choose not to lash out in anger. Instead, I allow myself to feel the pressure, then I walk in vulnerability. If I have to sacrifice my pride and cry in public, I do it because my Father who is love says to be slow to anger. He looks at me with compassion because he understands. He even led by example by sacrificing himself for humanity. He became vulnerable, accessible, even at times appearing weak before us, so that we would have the opportunity to be saved and to experience true love as well.

So, if you’ve made it this far into the post you may be wondering, what’s my point? My point is single is not a curse, and love is not what you think. If you feel confused by your journey, don’t compare, but trust the Lord with your past, present, and future. Initially I started writing this piece because I was frustrated. I felt inadequate and unsure what to make of the fact that for years I’ve been single although my desire was to be married and start a family by 25 (no later, earlier preferred). Now that I am 25 and so many of my peers are starting to have the life that I thought I was destined for, I can’t help but to ask myself the questions: Who am I? What do I actually want? What does this mean that I am still single? Will “it” ever happen for me? What was I actually destined for?

The reality is that I am who I am. My life is where it is, but just because it’s not where I thought it would be doesn’t mean it’s over or that I’m in some way failing. I still want the things I did before. But because of this journey I’ve been on, I know if I don’t get what I wanted it will be okay. It will hurt 100%, but it won’t be the end of the world. I am not unworthy because I’m single. Singleness is not a punishment for who I’ve been. I am blessed regardless of a relationship status or life milestone. I am already loved, and that will never change. It’s up to me to accept that and walk in that. Finally, God created me in his image, and he created me with a purpose. Ultimately, I want what he wants for me. That being said, I am not God, so I cannot know the blueprint in full. He is the potter, and I am being made into a unique vessel. 1 of 1.

If you can relate to my story and walk with singleness, I hope this encourages you. You are loved and being molded by the Potter as well.

Thanks for reading!

XOXO,

K.V.B.