Days Without Direction
Hello happy readers! Today, I’m 100% freestyling this blog. Yea, that’s right! I have no outline, no strong inclination of what I want to write. All I have is myself, my thoughts, my emotions, and God. Today, I’m writing from the heart (which I always do) in a very raw way. I hope you enjoy and are able to take away something valuable from the outpouring of this post.
This weekend was so intense, yet it was a blur all at the same time. It was nothing that I had expected. Friday night I was devoted, locked in if you will. I had a game plan, a vision of what the next 24 hours would look like for me, but Saturday it all came crashing down. For some reason, Saturday mornings are always a bit rough for me to get out of the house. I’m sure you know how it goes:
First everything’s going perfectly fine, almost too good to be true. You look at the time. You’re just in sync with where you need to be. One last look in the mirror before you leave the — Oops! There’s just one more finishing touch you can put to your outfit or one more hair you can strap into place. 5 minutes pass, but it’s okay because you’re still not too far off schedule. You say to yourself, “okay, lets get this show on the road!” You grab you bag, put your shoes on, grab your wa— you forgot to pour your water in your beautiful knock-off Stanley. Of course then you have to go do that because you’re trying to save the environment one less plastic bottle at a time (plus ice with the tap just hits different). “Ahhh. The world is at peace again, and now I can stay properly hydrated,” you think to yourself. Okay, here we go again. Outfit? Slayed. Hair? Laid. Bag on, water bottled (sustainably of course), but then you walk down the steps and realize you have no way to lock the door. You know why? BECAUSE YOUR KEYS ARE MISSING! You walk around your whole house in a panic, upturning everything in sight. You check everywhere once twice and still no finding them. You cry, “God, if you love me just please!” Silence. After a few weary deep breaths you try to calm down, and look one more time in a place you KNOW you didn’t put your keys (just in case). And guess what? You find them right there…hiding in plain Jane sight. A final eye roll gets you out the door and into the car. Finally you can breath again after seeing your ETA is five minutes early.
I know, you didn’t come here for a whole dramatization of my Saturday (and any day that ends in “y”) morning. However, I felt it necessary to include. So often we have a game plan, but we manage to get knocked off our focus and the rest of the day just follows suit. Saturday, after I got to where I was going, I was determined to still keep a positive attitude and enjoy my day. All that was wrecked when I got into a random conversation with a friend that for some reason happened to strike the wrong cord in me. Just like that, I was drained and just melancholy for the rest of the day. There was a childish undertone that followed me for the rest of the day, mixed with solemn.
Then Sunday came. It was as if the Lord told the pastor ALL my business. I needed to hear everything that I heard, but at the same time, that didn’t make it any easier to hear. He ended up preaching on the parable of the talents. Of course, the usual when you think of that parable came to mind. He talked about how much of a blessing even just one talent would have been during that time. (I had no idea it would’ve been equivalent to 20 whole years worth of wages!) He also spoke about how if the servant knew the master expected a return, he should’ve returned that one talent PLUS interest. There should’ve been a return on investment. However, because of fear, the man, instead of multiplying the blessing and having more to show the master at the end, buried the gift and hid it in the dirt to return it as he had received it.
Just hearing this was enough to have me feeling deeply convicted about my own life and the many gifts God has blessed me with. But there was one more new revelation revealed to me after that sermon. My pastor spoke about how depression could be the result of burying what God has given you, and when he said that, it was like the scales had been removed from my eyes. The reason I say that is because I know where I came from. I know the darkness that God pulled me out of, and I know that I have a reason to praise him every day for the rest of my life. However, recently, I have just been feeling a mellow dark undertone every day (functional depression I guess you could call it). I couldn’t really understand why, and I kept trying to understand why this feeling has kept coming up when I had been delivered from that. When I was sitting in church on Sunday, I realized I could not feel joy, because I was not / have not been doing what I need to do. I have not stewarded the natural gifts and blessings the Lord has given me well. (Granted there is grace for going through hard seasons, but I know in my heart that there is just so much more in store if I would just successfully be obedient to God’s call on my life.)
The truth is I’m still searching through the hurting. I know what I’m good at, but I’m lacking the confidence to see anything through. I try, I fail, and one more wall is built to protect my tender insides. One more thought enters, telling me that I’m not good enough, that I can’t do x,y,z, or that maybe this thing is not a part of God’s plan for me. All the time I question, “God, is this what you want for me? What are your plans for me?” It can be exhausting to wonder and never have that full peace in my heart that this is exactly what I’m supposed to be doing right now. I can honestly say, I feel uncertain more often than not. Not confused necessarily, but definitely uncertain—unsettled. I long to know that something I’m doing — it could be ANYTHING, actually matters in this world. Of course, I understand, I’m only human, so I will never have the full understanding of the bigger picture. I will never know every why, what, where, when, or how. However, I sincerely want my desires to be aligned with God’s ways. My heart and soul wants to be obedient and to be used, but like a lost child searching for their parents in a sea of people, my heart wanders and wonders with urgency and aching. I long to be in right standing with him, but I continue to question my every move.
I guess the essence of what I’m trying to communicate is that I’m still learning.
For reference, I’ve been in the process of writing this single blog post for going on 12 days. It’s June 22 as I’m writing this paragraph. I have been wandering and trying daily to understand what it is that I’m called to. What am I doing with my life, you know? In the past 12 days I have received a lot of encouragement and enlightenment, but I’ve also been going through very deep internal troubles. The depression that my pastor spoke of, I can still feel it. Recently there’s been many unexpected pressures added to my plate as well. It has been hard navigating life and continuing to push forward in these past few weeks, but like I said, I’m still learning. I’m grateful that I get to experience life the way that I do. I realized today / last night that I could sit here and be bitter about the problems I’m facing and the fact that others may not be facing the same things, or I could take it for what it is (life) and try to find a solution. I’m not saying that I’m handling everything perfectly well or in the best way possible, but I am saying that I’m not giving up.
Another thing I’ve just had to come to accept is the fact that I am a crier. Yep, I cry like a child. I’m sensitive, and since I’m still learning how to have an alternative response to things instead of reacting in anger, I just cry. And it’s okay. I personally feel it’s extremely embarrassing, but I am learning how to allow myself to be human. The reality is no human is perfect, we all make mistake, get hurt, feel embarrassed, misunderstand things. It’s just a thing! There’s no reason to feel ashamed of feeling your feelings and showing them (no matter how embarrassing).
Anyway, I named this post days without direction because honestly, life for me lately has felt like exactly that. However I know that’s not fully the case. I can admit, I could do better with planning each of my days better. I could have more routine and discipline. That’s something God has definitely been showing me through this time. I also know that my life is never truly without direction because I’m always looking to Him. I truly believe in the sovereignty of God and the fundamental viewpoint that God is good. Period. So if I look at everything through the lens that “God is good. God loves me. He cares for me,” then my heart can be comforted and my faith continually strengthened, having truth and encouragement to fall back on. This Christian walk (and life in general) is not easy, but I have full faith that it will be worth it. If you’ve been feeling like I have lately, I just want to encourage you, don’t give up. It gets better. That’s all for now, and thank you for reading!
Much Love,
K.V.B.
