Freedom Is Yours
As I’m beginning to write this, Easter is a week away. Traditionally, I’m not one to celebrate Easter. However, last year I had something very unexpected and life-changing happen on Easter. Last year, on Easter, I decided to take the first steps toward freedom. I was the type of person who could be very open, but when it came to things that made me seem less than perfect, I’d rather take those things to the grave with me. The thing that changed my life though, was opening up and laying the truth out to be confronted. Last Easter was the first time I’d ever let anyone in on my struggle with masturbation addiction. I was embarrassed about it for so long, but more than that, I had reached a point of being fed up. I wanted to be free so badly, so I confessed at the alter last Easter. That’s where my journey to complete freedom in God began. I can’t say that after that day I never fell to that struggle again, but I can say that today, one year later, my heart posture has completely changed. I have been officially completely free from that struggle since mid-January. I’m done falling, and every day I can walk with my head up proud that I am no longer in chains rooted from insecurity and perversion.
Since last Easter I have been on a journey. I’ve faced lots of temptation, feelings of unworthiness, shame, doubt, fear, loneliness, insecurity— the list goes on. I say all that to say, it was necessary. You don’t know true freedom until you’ve been forced to face all the things you’ve been trying to escape (which ultimately keep you in shackles). Experiencing all these feelings caused my character and my faith to grow in ways that can only happen through a process of refining. It was so hard in the moment, but now that I’m on the other side of it, I see it was so worth it. So, I write because I want to encourage you to start walking in freedom. I want to impart the confidence in you that freedom is already yours. It’s a given. When you decide you are a child of God— even before you decide —freedom is at your doorstep, but you have to choose to receive it and practice it. It’s a gift that we all equally may take part in, but so many of us will never know what that feels like because we hold ourselves back. You may be feeling like, “Sure, I want it, but I don’t know how to receive it.” If you feel that way you are not alone. Just keep reading. I pray my story helps give a deeper understanding.
My Past
Freedom, Femininity, and Fulfillment. That’s what I thought I was receiving from masturbation. The truth is that’s what was being taken away from me through masturbation. I yearned for those feelings, but I’ve come to the realization that freedom is, femininity is, and fulfillment is. What I mean by that is that they are not feelings to be chased—a temporary high if you will. They just are, like how God just is; they exist indefinitely and objectively.
Freedom exists for everyone in some way shape or form. The deepest and most available form of freedom is spiritual freedom, and dare I say, it’s the truest freedom there is. Men and women face physical trials every day which may cause you to be limited in the actions you may take, things you have access to, etc. However, freedom of the soul is available to us all. It’s a gift that many of us take for granted or are ignorant of altogether. So, I’m encouraging you to use that gift. Bask in the peace that is being able to choose what happens to your soul. Understand that you will never truly feel or be free until you surrender to God because he is the one who allows us this gift. While it seems like an oxymoron to become free via surrender, you have to be okay with allowing God to be in control before you ever experience true freedom and peace.
As it pertains to the other two — femininity and fulfillment, God is the source of those too. You will never stop longing for the next thing or something different in life until you can have true contentment in the fact that God is enough. It seems bizarre to say, but the truth is that if we never got another single thing in life God would be enough to sustain our being and our longings. Of course, no matter how objectively true that is, it’s up to each of us as individuals to make the choice to believe that.
To the girlies reading, femininity is innate. It’s not something you can just put on and put off like a pair of shoes. If you are female, you are feminine. Period. You may not always feel girly or like the stereotype of what a woman should be (especially since society has brainwashed people into thinking of women as mere shiny little objects to be played with and discarded later as if our value has been revoked afterwards). However, if you are female, femininity has been woven into you by the hands of our creator. It’s encoded into the depths of your being, and you don’t have to prove it to anyone—outwardly or otherwise. You don’t have to be a “Jessica Rabbit” or a “Marylin”. You don’t need to be overtly sensual. You just need to be the woman God made you to be and be surrendered to God. That’s the bottom line.
Subconsciously, due to the sexual perversion in my life, I had the belief that my femininity was dependent on what I could do for a man, to a man, or to attract a man. But, as I said prior, femininity is dependent on who God created you to be. Now that I understand that I no longer feel pressured to reach unrealistic goals or expectations (some of which I had put on myself and some projected by others). Now I can see that how I carry myself as a woman who loves God will speak much louder about my nature than a false or stereotypical portrayal of femininity ever will.
Idolatry. Of sex. Of marriage. Of self. I struggled with this for way longer than even my addiction to masturbation. As a young girl raised by a PK mother, I was always told “wait until you are married to have sex.” On the surface, there’s nothing wrong with that statement, but underneath, there is a glorification of marriage being the end all be all for a woman. I want to make myself clear that I am not against marriage, and I would advocate for waiting as well. However, when I was growing up, I never understood the depth and purpose of marriage because it was always associated with sex (at least that’s how I perceived it whenever it was brought up). This caused me to idolize both marriage and sex. Curiosity had me sprinting toward my downfall. I made it my goal to get married, create a family, and have a husband to cater to 24/7 as soon as legally and physically possible. It was my dream, but now, as a 24-year-old woman, I actually thank God that he loved me enough to protect me from myself. Recently, I have come to realize just how engulfed I was in serving a self-made marriage deity. If things had gone my way, I would be nowhere close to where I am today. I’m not saying I have it all together or that I’m perfect, but I am saying that God has refined me so much that I no longer desire a life that doesn’t have him at the forefront of every decision I make. I no longer elevate myself and my own desires so much that I will go out of my way to make them happen. Today, I’m finally at a point where I can say, “God, please align my desires with yours. You let me know what WE are doing with my life.” I’m able to fully embrace doing life with Him instead of doing things my way and hiding from Him as a consequence. If you are reading this and you can relate to my past, I just want to encourage you to try God. Surrender your own will for his. He has the blueprint for each of our lives and he loves each of us so much that he took his time to tailor it to each person.
If you made it this far, I just you to know freedom is possible, and it’s already yours. Take some time and ask yourself, “Why haven’t I claimed it yet?” I promise you that why is irrational. It doesn’t make sense, yet it’s holding you back. But all it takes is for you to push past that pain, struggle, fear, shame, discomfort, or whatever it may be and start stepping. The more steps you take toward God, the closer you will be to free. I’m a walking testimony of that.
Thanks for reading & Happy Easter!
Much Love,
K.V.B.
